I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
