Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
