im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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