alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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