I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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