Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
