So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
