So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
