I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
