I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
