Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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