your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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