I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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