you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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