You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
