I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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