operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize