I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
