Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize