woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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