I just gift wrapped bread.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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