and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
