The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
