i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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