There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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