hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
