The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
