Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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