the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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