drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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