I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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