you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
