he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
