what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
