I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
