i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
