Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
