Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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