So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
