Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
