I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
