Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
