Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
