I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
