I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
