mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
