so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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