my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
