Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
