I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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