if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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