By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
