Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
