I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
