I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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