did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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