I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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